Day 12, (May 21, 2010)

I set moderately easy goals for myself and I can’t even own up to them.
I feel awful. I look awful. Why can’t I just get things right?
Just let me get better grades, be with my boyfriend, not suck at varsity lacrosse
and maybe, just maybe, know what the hell I want.

I overreact so much.

I don’t have enough time in the week to do these.
I don’t know why that upsets me.
The one thing I set out to do I can’t even do right.

I found this picture of myself standing with girls I used to call my best friends. It’s so surreal. I’ve grown. They’ve grown. We’ve all changed so much and yet, when it comes down to the bare bone, we’re all the same still. I can’t expect much from them, though. I was the only one who drifted, none of them did.

They’re still friendly, if I needed a favor, they’d do their best to do it. But I just look at them and wonder why I was friends with them in the first place. It’s an awkward, annoying feeling that just buries itself deep within me.

What’s often worse is seeing pictures of myself with my exes. These periods in my life, brief or long as they were, they were all different. I grow much less trusting, but a lot more knowledgeable. I’m no longer naive, but I’m no longer as carefree. I’m cautious. I wish I could be free like that again.

I found another with Jackson and I. My hair was even longer than it is now and I was on Jacksons back. It was autumn, this must’ve been at least two years ago, now. It was actually just before we broke up. I was laughing and he had that awkwardly adorable grin of his. He was and still is quite the charmer. He’s a lot colder of a person now. He used to be fast, now he’s slow and deliberate. Like an old man.

There’s a recent one with Eric and I, we were watching some basketball game and he has his arm around me and I’m in his hat and sweatshirt. He’s laughing and I’m smiling at the camera and flipping them off at the same time. It was a fun day.

There’s still a picture I need soon.
Hopefully.

I hate it when songs are ruined by one single person.

I’ve never been happier, more comfortable with myself and more head over heels than when I talk to you.

And you’re not even here.

It’s strange. It’s all so strange. Every single time he comes back into my life, my world is thrown upside down. I try and tell people, but they never understand.

I need him in my life.

But it hurts too much for him to stay.

I have someone I’m in love with, but I need him to be with me. I really, really do.

I’m in love with the world.

Today marked a major turning point in my life and, although it sounds like such a small occurrence, it was actually huge and it took a lot of time and planning for me to follow through. I finally had the heart to call my aunt, the mother of my cousin who killed himself back in 2006.

I paced back and forth near the phone, my thoughts raced and I crumpled and uncrumpled a piece of paper with my aunt’s phone number in it. Doing this blew my mind. I picked up the phone and played with it for another 10 minutes. I waited for someone to call, I waited for a distraction, something to make me stop what I was about to do. But whatever God there is out there knew I had a mission to do and left me alone for those moments. I looked at the paper, I sighed, I stroked each number key before I pressed them.

The phone wrung four, long, agonizing times before I hear a hello. That cheery sound in her voice was gone; Emptiness took over her like the sun by the night. It was sad to hear, but the sound of her voice, whether it was the same or not, comforted me. She said hello again before I realized I hadn’t said anything when she picked up.

“Hi Maddy.”
“I haven’t heard that voice in a long time now, is that my dollface?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Well, darlin’, how has it been? It’s been almost four years!”
I cleared my throat, I almost choked on my words.
“Yeah it has. I think we have to talk.”
“Oh, dear, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.”
“You have?”
“You never just leave things be. If it’s unfinished business, you’ll finish it. It’s been a while, but I know you.”
“Where’s Rick?”
“Long gone, dear. Long gone.”
I let out a relieved sigh.
“I know how you feel.”
Silence overwhelmed us.
“Well, what was it that you had to say?”

So began about the longest story I had ever told, full of tears and sighs and even more tears. Maddy was in tears as well. She missed her baby. Her little boy. Her Tyler.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I sobbed and sobbed.
“Darlin’, it’s not your fault.”
I stopped cold. Something I had heard every day for the past some odd years since his death and this time, it stopped me dead in my tracks.
“What?”
“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
I felt this weight lift off of me. I never even knew the weight was there. I guess I had grown so accustomed to having my soul being crushed by such immense guilt. I couldn’t believe I used to breathe with it, let alone laugh and smile and live my life like I had been. A test of the human spirit, I suppose. I let out a sigh, then a laugh. She followed suit.
“It isn’t?”
“No, baby. It’s not.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”

So, I know it seems like just a phone call, but this meant the world and more to me. I don’t blame myself. I just.. I’m so happy now. It’s amazing and beautiful and I can’t even explain it.